Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end.
And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.
We’ve been taught how to believe our own lies. We’ve been taught that we can’t even trust our own emotions, and we’ve been taught how to leave them completely unexamined. So when we finally do speak, we’re venturing into the unknown, onto uncharted land. We are expressing emotion that we will probably take back and reassert as something else. We are putting words to experiences that we have never had vocabulary for. We are trying to express things there are no words for."
For non-survivors talking to survivors: limited vocabulary « Speaking when the world sleeps (I’m not sure if this needs a trigger warning and if it does, what it would be)
This is how I felt today. Sad for no reasons, but sad for many reasons.
Why is being a loner characterised as a ‘social disorder’? It makes me never want to speak to anyone again. It makes me annoyed to be labelled as ‘antisocial’/ socially anxious. I am in fact very comfortable in social situations, I just have a truthful and realistic view of the meaning of friendship and relationship-That you cannot get on ‘really well’ with everyone, you cannot even really ‘like’ everyone (though most people pretend to). In reality, each individual probably finds they don’t have a real ‘connection’/ chemistry with no more than 5 real people at any one time in their lives.
I feel like if you don’t get on really well with someone, there is little point in spending time socialising with them. Most events are full of people talking about nothing and this makes me feel even worse than staying at home, alone. Or perhaps I am just jealous of the people talking about nothing and cant step out of this godforesaken bubble that makes me want to never go out again.
Some people need time alone to process thoughts/ events and some people don’t. I will probably always be this way. Every boyfriend I have ever had has been a loner. I wish people wouldn’t make introversion into a personality flaw."
Sheltering yourself in “love and light” is not progression. If you never have a bad trip, you’re doing it wrong. There is light and darkness in everything and refusing to acknowledge and understand the dark by only surrounding yourself with the light is not enlightenment. If you never have a bad trip, you’re doing something wrong.
Sit and reflect on your darkest most sadistic suppressed nature. Until you feel terrified of yourself, sickened, dirty. But do not deny it. Strive to accept and understand it. Learn something about yourself, and apply that new found understanding to your understanding of the world.
Stop acting surprised by the cruelty of humans, when that same cruelty lives inside yourself.
I am tired of all this talk of enlightenment coming from a culture that is in denial, that refuses to hear or understand what is negative or uncomfortable or inconvinient for their positive happy love and light little realities.